


Hit Between The Eyes

by BummedYourFag



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean's shitty childhood, Gen, John's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 03:33:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10296542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BummedYourFag/pseuds/BummedYourFag
Summary: Dean’s four when he learns to change Sam’s diapers. It’s sometime after Mom, they’re in a motel somewhere in Iowa, and Dad’s been out for a few hours.orWhy Dean was never a child; a series of glimpses into the childhood that wasn't.





	

**Author's Note:**

> It refused to stay in my head, so... here it is.

__

**1983**

__

Dean’s four when he learns to change Sam’s diapers. It’s sometime after Mom, they’re in a motel somewhere in Iowa, and Dad’s been out for a few hours. It’s dark outside. Dean doesn’t much like the dark. He has pulled the curtains shut tight, because then he doesn’t have to think about it. The room is chilly, but they’ve got blankets. Dean does his best not to think about Christmas.

Sammy’s been restless for a while now, whining, and no matter how much Dean either shushes or tries to play with him, Sammy’s just fussing. His face is red and scrunched up tight and a fist is waving in irritation… and then he cries. Dean’s tried giving him the bottle, and burping him, and playing, and rocking him, and they’ve sung The Wheels on The Bus four times, so Dean has to check Sam’s diaper. It’s wet. Glancing at the door, which stays far too silent and far too still, Dean decides he has to try at least. It takes two diapers before he manages to get all the sticky tape where it’s supposed to go.

Sam promptly falls asleep and Dean curls on the bed next to him. Later he wakes and notes that Dad’s in his bed.

__

**1984**

__

He’s turned five when he dips one tiny finger into Dad’s bottle of Jack Daniels, and tries rubbing it on Sam’s gums. Sam’s feverish and cranky, and can’t get to sleep and Dad did this earlier. They had some liquid medication earlier, but that was back in Iowa and they’re not there anymore. Dean tries singing Hey Jude again, while rubbing, and it seems to help.

__

Sam takes his first steps on a spotty carpet in a motel room in Tennessee. One, two, and he flops onto his bum with a big smile. He’s wearing only his diaper, it’s warm and the air conditioner broke, but Dad said not to open the door or windows. Dean claps and grabs Sam’s hands and they do a victory dance together.

__

Dean realises sometime during the summer that Sam must have turned one now. They didn’t have a party, there was no cake or even pie. Dean sneaks out in the evening and manages to buy a Twinkie from the vending machine. In the morning, he’ll sing for Sam and then they’ll find a sand pit. Dean can build sand cakes and Sam can smash them. He _doesn’t_ think about Mom.

__

Dad’s there when Sam says his first word. They’re in the Impala, driving north to Missouri’s house. Dean’s been there before, he likes her. Dad’s in the front, trying to find a station that doesn’t play Gospel choirs on a Sunday. It’s not going well, and Dad’s got that squint, like his head hurts really bad. Sam’s tugging Dean’s sleeve, his chubby hand sticky with orange juice.

“Dee!” he says. “Dee!”

“Dad!” Dean says, “Sammy’s talking!”

“Well done, Sammy!” Dad says. “What did he say, Dean?”

“Dee!” Sammy says again, pulling hard on Dean’s sleeve, trying to reach for a piece of Lego.

“He’s saying ‘Dad’”, Dean says, handing Sam the Lego.

“That’s my boy!” Dad manages a squinting smile.

__

Dad’s different now. He says he’s “hunting” and there are guns and knives that Dean has to make sure Sammy doesn’t touch. Dad’s letting Dean watch when he cleans the guns, naming all the parts and seeing if Dean can remember. He’s teaching Dean all sorts of stuff, about salt lines and holy water. Dean’s doing his best to remember, but it’s a lot. Bobby says it’s fine though, that Dean’s doing well.

Dad doesn’t mention it, but Dean’s also learning to cook a little. Peanut butter and jelly gets really boring after a few hundred sandwiches. He can heat cans of beans and soup on the radiator, when the motel has one, and he’s almost tall enough for the stove now. Sammy’s walking a lot, so he needs more food, and he’s learning more words. Dean tries to read to him, if there’s something to read, but it’s mostly motel information and commercials. Sometimes there are other magazines. With naked ladies. They’re icky, Dean hides those under Dad’s mattress.

__

There’s Halloween stuff everywhere, but Dad’s told Dean about the real monsters, and it doesn’t seem so funny now. He’s gonna try for Sammy though, because Sammy’s little and he doesn’t need to understand about the real monsters yet. Dean has been saving all his dimes, so he can buy some Halloween candy. He was going to make Sammy a costume, but then Dad had to go away overnight. He’s usually only gone one day. Dean’s almost six, he can take care of Sammy for a day. He really, really wishes Sammy could go potty though.

__

Dad’s drunk on Christmas. He was gone for _hours_ while Dean waited and waited and waited. He had a present and everything. He tried reading for Sammy, but he would rather watch the Christmas movie on the little black and white TV in the corner of the room. Dean gave Sammy his present, a pack with six crayons, and served Lucky Charms for breakfast. Sammy’s sleeping by the time Dad comes home. The lock rattles, then the door slams open and Dad stumbles in, his coat heavy with cold rain. It’s like he doesn’t even notice Dean, but he’d have collapsed on the floor if Dean didn’t prod him toward the sofa. He stinks. Dean sighs, puts the bin by Dad’s head and goes to check on the salt lines. The present can wait. He misses mom.

__

**1985**

__

Dean turns six and gets a sticky kiss on the cheek from Sammy. Well, Sammy doesn’t understand it’s Dean’s birthday, but if he did, then the kiss would have been because of it. They both have a fever and Dean’s throat’s killing him. Missouri showed him how to fill a tub of hot water and sit next to it, so he sits in the tiny bathroom with Sam and makes sure Sam doesn’t hurt himself on the hot water. The coughing doesn’t hurt as much with all the steam, but he can’t use up all the hot water or people will get mad.

Dad tries, he does. Dean woke him earlier and Dad went to look for Tylenol and cough syrup. Dean manages to get Sammy to swallow a little cough syrup and a little liquid Tylenol, and then Sam sleeps like a heat radiating propeller next to Dean. Dean’s sore and he complains to Dad that Sammy needs his own bed now. Dad says Dean is taking good care of Sammy, and that’s the important part.

__

Dean _makes sure_ he doesn’t miss another of Sammy’s birthdays. He reminds Dad with all the righteousness his six-year-old body can muster. They have pancakes for breakfast and Dad tickles Sam before they head west in the Impala.

__

They spend the summer at Bobby’s. Bobby shows Dean how to shoot bottles with a slingshot, cook bacon and grill sausages over an open fire, and how to light fireworks for fourth of July. He doesn’t actually let Dean light any, he says Dean has to finish first grade before he can light any, and that’s _ages_ away. The fireworks are pretty though, and Sammy’s staring at them with wide eyes, so Dean doesn’t whine. Bobby’s is full of dusty books with pictures that Sam likes and cars with loads of parts. Dean watches Bobby take them apart and put them back together again, and it’s fascinating.

He takes apart their alarm clock and spends a whole day putting it back together again. It takes extra long, because Sammy’s asking _wha dat_ and _why_ all the time. When it’s all in one piece, they set it for 4 am and hide it beneath Bobby’s armchair, then they head out to play hide and seek in the field of tall grass. Dean can totally hear Sam laughing, but pretends he doesn’t.

__

Dad fetches them in late July and they go stay in a small town in Texas for a while. Dean starts school there, learning to write and add and subtract. He’s not sure what he’s supposed to do with that, but it’s kind of fun and Mrs Peterson’s nice. Sam stays with their motel neighbour and Dad works as a mechanic. Dean thinks maybe they’ll be here for a while, which he likes. Maybe they ran out of monsters and they can be a family again.

Mrs Peterson doesn’t like him skipping school so much though, but he has too, because if Natalie can’t watch Sam and Dad’s working, then it’s Dean’s job to look after Sam. There’s no way Dad could pay someone to watch Sam, not like daycare and stuff, which Sammy totally deserves because Dean’s classmate Cody has a sister and _she_ goes to daycare where they learn their colours and sharing with others and… Dean tries hard at home.

He makes sure that Sammy knows his colours and body parts and all the names of the animals. It’s a little after Thanksgiving when they leave again, Dad’s on the trail and Natalie started asking who was watching Dean when Dad was working late. Dean gets scared. People shouldn’t know. He’s not sure what they’ll do if they know, but Dad’s shoulders tense and that’s a bad thing.

__

There’s no Christmas that year. Dean watches the New Year’s Eve fireworks with Sammy’s head in his lap, in a cold Impala, on the parking lot of a bar. He thinks this might be Denver, but he’s not sure. He adds another blanket on top of Sammy.

__

**1986**

__

They’re with Pastor Jim over Easter. Dean had forgotten about Easter and the Easter Bunny. He makes notes in his head so he won’t forget again, because it’s important that Sammy has Easter. Pastor Jim teaches him to make pancakes and omelettes, and how to sew on a button. It’s wonky, but at least he can fix a button now. When Sam skids on his knees on the gravel outside and his pants tear, Pastor Jim shows Dean how to fix both Sammy and Sammy’s pants. Cleaning Sammy’s knee and putting a plaster on it - Dean blows on the booboo to make the it better, like Mom did - and sewing the hole on the pants. He takes them shopping and Dean’s feet don’t hurt in his shoes anymore.

__

Dean and Sammy build a pillow fort on Sam’s third birthday. Dad actually comes home early and joins them on the floor between the two beds, blankets and pillows thrown over to make a roof. He brings candy from the vending machine and they share it. Dean tells Dad all about school, he’s been in class for a month now and really likes it. Dad smiles. Sam falls asleep between them.

__

Sammy really doesn’t like Louisiana summers and neither does Dean. They’re in a cabin somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and there are spiders everywhere. Dean draws the salt lines carefully, they seem to keep ants out too, and he makes sure they stay very close to the cabin during the day. Dad said this is a salt and burn, so it won’t take long at all, and they can be out of here soon.

Then Dad finds a pub and they’re there for weeks. He brings both Sam and Dean sometimes, and Dean gets to try throwing darts. It’s fun and Dad’s laughing and patting his back.

__

They go north and stop at Bobby’s for a month, where Dad takes Dean out back and teaches him to shoot bottles with a handgun. They’re laughing and Dad ruffles Dean’s hair whenever he hits a can. Dad tells Bobby that Dean hit every single can dead on, which isn’t true, but Dean’s too busy grinning to care. Then Dad disappears for two weeks. Dean catches Bobby glaring out the window more than once, but he smiles a little at Dean and shows him engine parts. Besides, Dean’s finished first grade now and Bobby lets him clean guns and make salt rounds.

Dean tries to show Sammy, but Sammy’s busy drawing and looking at pictures in Bobby’s books. Maybe Dean should teach him to read soon? He tried before, but Sammy was so little and now he’s three and going potty most of the time. They still watch TV and Dean reads motel magazines for Sammy, and maybe that counts. Dean’s not sure, there are probably other adult things he ought to do, if he could only figure out what they are. He’s supposed to watch out for Sammy.

__

They go back south over the winter, and there’s another neighbour at a motel that keeps Sammy when Dean’s in school. Dean smiles widely and talks a lot about how Dad will be home after work, but Dad’s gone for longer and longer now. Last time he was gone for three days and Dean counted the money Dad left carefully. He ate the crust off Sammy’s sandwich and had cornflakes instead of Lucky Charms, but Sammy was happy and they didn’t run out of food. Dad comes back when they’re down to their last box of Mac ’n’ Cheese, and Dean is so relieved. Dad takes them out for supper, some dingy restaurant with 18-wheelers out front, and Dean loves that cheeseburger. 

__

**1987**

__

Dad actually remembers Dean’s birthday, and they go see a wrestling match. Dad drinks a lot of beer, but it doesn’t matter, because _this is awesome_ and Dean loves Dad so so so so much. Sammy stares at the giants in the ring with wide eyes, but he cries a little when one of the guys gets injured. Dean calls him a bitch, but hands him a napkin and puts his arm around his brother.

__

They go to Wisconsin and Dad actually rents an apartment. It’s not much larger than a motel room and Dad has to sleep on a pull-out sofa, but it’s a real apartment. Dean even gets his own bed, which is good, because while Sam sleeps very heavily, he also flails like an octopus. Dean may or may not hog the blankets as a response to The Flailing Octopus.

They’ve just set up camp and usual; found the grocery store, Dean has a new class, started getting to know the neighbourhood women who could possibly take Sammy… and then one afternoon Dad packs up, tells Dean to lock all the doors and windows and don’t go outside. He leaves a shotgun for Dean, tells Dean to “Shoot first, ask questions later” and “don’t leave Sammy alone” – and then he’s gone again. He forgets to leave them money, so Dean really hopes he’ll be back soon.

That night, the Shtriga comes for Sammy and Dean isn’t there, doesn’t protect Sammy, doesn’t point and shoot. Dad does though, because Dad just _knew_ , even though he wasn't there, and he _saves_ Sammy. Sammy's okay and Dad's so awesome. Dean doesn't cry because boys don't cry, but his eyes burn and he has to go sit outside for a bit. Dad doesn't come look for him. Dean pretends he didn't expect Dad to. 

__

When Sammy turns four, they spend the day at a shooting range, where Dad shows Dean over and over how to lock and load, point and shoot. They’ve been doing this for a while, in every city where the owner of the shooting range thinks it’s perfectly okay for an eight-year-old to handle a handgun and a shotgun. There have been a lot of cities, Dad’s crisscrossing all over the place and Dean’s not really keeping up. They head to Missouri’s for a while, but she and Dad have a row about something and then they’re packed up for Bobby’s again. At Bobby’s, Dad keeps Dean up shooting bottles and scrap metal for days, until Bobby swears at him and Dad leaves in a cloud of dust. It’s two weeks before he comes back, eyes bloodshot and squinting, jaw bruised. He hugs Sammy for a long time, but he won’t look at Dean.

__

They stay in Kansas for a while. When they drive through Lawrence, Dean tries his best to look out the window without Dad noticing he’s looking. He should remember this, he should remember Mom… but he remembers their house and the park and very little else. So, he tries to memorise, because it’s important, to remember Lawrence because Mom was in Lawrence and if he doesn’t remember Lawrence, he doesn’t remember Mom. He doesn’t cry, because boys don’t cry.

“Dean, I nee’ta pee” Sammy says quietly.

“Dad, Sammy’s gotta go,” Dean says.

“He can hold it, we just need to go through town,” Dad says.

Sam’s doing the pee-pee dance by the time they stop outside Lawrence and relieve themselves in some dusty bushes, scorched dry by August sun.

Eventually they end up in Satanta, which is almost as far away from Lawrence as you can get. It’s tiny, but Dean learns to ride a bike and roller-skate there. The studio flat has a colour TV, and they watch Teen Age Mutant Ninja Turtles in the mornings, before Dean has to go to school and Sam gets dropped off at Babushka’s place. That’s not her real name, her real name is Mathilda, but her grandmother was born in Russia and she thinks she has a heritage.

They manage to stay nine months, Dean turns nine and Sam’s five, before there are simply too many questions and Dad hears about a job in Washington.

__

**1988**

__

The first time Dad takes Dean out on a job, Dean really doesn’t want to leave Sammy behind. Sammy’s just five and it doesn’t matter that Dean watched Sammy at five, Sammy’s _little_ and Dean’s supposed to look after him. But Dad says jump, and you better jump. Dad’s face is lined now, hair just a little bit grey over his ears. His forehead is always wrinkled and he needs three fingers of Hunter’s Helper before he stops squinting at the daylight.

This is one of those days when three fingers turn into six before they can go, sometime after Sammy’s fallen asleep. Dean helps dig up a grave and Dad breaks open the casket. It stinks so bad Dean throws up and Dad just stares at him for a bit, before pouring the salt and gasoline into the grave and lighting the match. Filling the grave up isn’t much easier than digging it, but they’re back in the motel room within five hours and Sammy’s still asleep. Dean crawls into Sam’s bed, but he doesn’t sleep and he can’t eat pork for a month.

__

Dean does his best, because a dam has broken and he’s being pulled out on jobs pretty often now. He cooks food Sam can eat cold, makes sure there is cereal, milk, bread and peanut butter and whatever fruit is cheap. Sam eats a lot of carrots, carrots are cheap. He teaches Sam to never _ever_ leave the motel room if he’s not with Dad or Dean, unless there’s like a fire and he’s dying – Dean stops himself and changes the story to _flood_ , but goes on to describe several horrible ways that Sam could die, just because. Sam looks teary eyed after his speech, so he must have done pretty well. He goes over Dad's rules with Sam several times, and then Dad does too. Every time they go, Dean checks that there’s money in one of Sam’s socks, enough food, clean clothes, toilet paper, tells Sam to always sit when he showers so he doesn’t slip and to rinse the dishes so there won’t be ants or flies.

There are never ants or flies. Sam does well, but sometimes, when they’ve been gone for a day or two, Sam crawls into Dean’s bed at night and refuses to leave. Dean calls him a little bitch and Sammy tells him to stop being such a jerk. They settle together anyway. It’s okay. Sam’s only _little_ and Dean’s got his back.

__

Sam throws tantrums. He’s old enough to be left alone at home, so he’s _Sam_ now, not Sammy. Dean rolls his eyes and calls him a bitch all day. He lets Sam wail and slam doors. Sometimes he yells back, because Sam can just be so very irritating. Sammy has questions about Dad, about why they move so much, about everything and Dean begs him to stop asking. Sam doesn’t want cereal for dinner, Sam’s tired of PB  & J, Sam wants more apples, Sam, Sam, _Sam_.

Dean would like some cereal too, but there isn’t any so he’s rinsing out the milk jug and drinking the rinse water for breakfast, and he’s eating Sam’s sandwich crusts and there aren’t any more apples. Dad’s been gone days and they’re hungry and tired of being cooped up together in another little motel. This one is in New Jersey. The room is orange and green, smells of damp and there are so many spots on the floor that Dean forces Sam to sit on the blankets in front of the telly. He doesn’t dare look below the sheets on the mattresses. Neither of them have lice at least, ‘cause that one time sucked so bad and Dean didn’t know what to do, so he put Nair in their shampoo. The sink has dirt-stains that won’t go away and the water is ever so slightly mud coloured. They had bottled water, but Dean gave them all to Sammy.

In the evening of the fifth day, when there isn’t any more money and there’s only breakfast for one left, Dean sneaks out and uses his two last quarters to call Pastor Jim. Pastor Jim calls someone else and they call someone else and eventually, a tall man shows up and shoves a few notes under the door. Dean opens it only an hour later, checks the salt line four times and doesn't go shopping until the next morning.

When Dad stumbles in on the sixth day, there’s apples for Sam and Mac ‘n’ Cheese for Dean. Dad’s eye is swollen shut and his back is blue and green. There’s a gash in his shoulder. That’s the very first time Dean uses Missouri’s stitches on Dad, but it isn’t the last. Dad pours whiskey over the wound. Dean really shouldn’t like the smell of whiskey, he smells it on Dad’s breath a lot and Dad’s not fun when he’s drunk, but at least when there’s the smell of whiskey, there’s Dad. That’s a lot better than when Dad isn’t there.

__

They spend a few weeks with Bobby again in September. Dad and Missouri aren’t talking, so Bobby’s it now. Dean misses Missouri's pancakes. They play hide and seek in the scrap yard, Bobby takes them hunting (for actual deer - Sam cries when Bambi’s Dad dies). Dean messes about with an old Wolkswagen, but he’s not quite strong enough to actually do anything for real.

They drink beer – well, Bobby drinks beer, but Sam and Dean get soda in empty beer bottles, so it’s almost like beer – on the porch. Dean likes days like these, when there doesn’t seem to be any ghosts or vampires. He tucks away the memory in a safe spot; a memory of cold dew on grass, the hint of a chill on the air and the stars above South Dakota.

__

Dad drives them south again, to New Orleans, which is fine by Dean. He’s not that keen on snow anyway, and it’s almost Christmas. He hopes they can spend Christmas together this year, but he’s just about given up on that. He’s given up on a lot of things, actually. School’s one of them. He’s supposed to be in fourth grade, but he’s only done a month here and a month there. Only once did he spend an entire semester in one school, that time in Kansas. That helped.

He keeps hoping they can stay somewhere for a bit, so he can learn some stuff. Sam’s learning all the time, just from watching TV and reading – because yes, at five and a half, Sam has taught himself to read and he reads everything. In new places, one of the first places Dean goes now is the library, because if they’re going to be stuck in a motel room for a weekend or a week, then he’d better make sure that they have something to read. There are books Sam reads on his own and books Sam makes Dean read for him.

More and more often, Dad will be gone entire weeks now. Dean nags him about enough money for food and laundry, but there’s never quite enough for everything. He’s growing too, and he doesn’t know how to make sure he can get enough money to buy himself new pants and shoes. He’ll have to have Dad sort that out when Dad gets back.

Of course, that’s when Sam gets food poisoning, because he likes rabbit food, and humans aren’t made to live on apples and carrots and fresh things. He tells Sam this in a serious tone, while holding his goddamn hair out of the way while Sam vomits. He tells Sam again when he takes the soiled sheets and clothes to the laundromat and leaves Sam in the bathroom. He tells Sam a third time when Sam cautiously nibbles on a piece of toast a day later.

“You're a jerk, Dean,” Sam whines, “I’m sick.”

“Then stop being such a bitch!” Dean retorts.

He does stop lecturing though.

__

They do Christmas in the same motel room in New Orleans. Dad talks about hoodoo and how he hates witches all day, but it’s okay because he’s actually there. Sam gives Dean a drawing and Dad a collage of pictures from newspapers and magazines. Dean gives Sam a new T-shirt (new to Sam at least, Dean found it in the thrift store down the street) and a thick book with 1001 Arabian Tales. Dad gets shaving cream from the supermarket. Dad gives them candy from the vending machine, and they watch a movie on the TV together. Dad brings boxes of turkey, potatoes and gravy from the diner nearby (Dean quickly steals half of Sam’s potatoes and heaps all his peas in Sam’s box).

When they go to bed at night, Dad stands and looks out the window. He doesn’t say goodnight, just cradles his whiskey glass. Dean thinks of Mom.

__

**1989**

__

Dean’s tenth birthday passes quickly and quietly among days of school, groceries, food and laundry. Sam’s shoes need gluing together, but they’ll hold up for another few weeks if it doesn’t rain too much. He mends his T-shirt after a round of football at school and teaches Sam to sew on a button on his shirt. Sam’s itching to start first grade, but they moved so much that he has to sit some sort of exams before he can start. It's stupid, but Those Are The Rules.

Dean’s dutifully carried notes from school for Dad, who as a “traveling salesman” doesn’t have much time for meetings at school. Dean forges Dad’s signature on all of it, not that he has a clue what he’s doing, but Sam goes to school in his glued together shoes, jeans a size too large and a shirt with a wonky button – but he goes and he sits those exams and he passes. He can read and write, he knows his numbers and colours and whatever else they try, and so Sam starts school on a Tuesday, half-a-year behind his peers. Sammy’s all smiles and floppy hair, though, so it’s okay.

Dean packs lunches at first, but it’s just cheaper and easier to let Sam eat at school most days. Sam says something about there not being enough vegetables, and Dean is old enough to not bang his head against the table when Sam can see. He buys the cheapest fruit possible and sends a fruit and carrot sticks with Sam to school. He buys the cheapest soda cans and small chips bags for himself, it’ll just have to do.

They move again before Sam’s birthday in May and Sam’s heartbroken to leave his class. His eyes are red and he’s snivelling in the car when they leave New Orleans.

“Stop crying,” Dean hisses, but it’s too late.

“Stop snivelling, Sammy,” Dad says sternly from the front. “Boys don’t cry.”

Sam does stop snivelling, but it takes another hour before his tears stop. Dad doesn’t notice, though, and at the next gas station, Dean quietly hands Sam a new shirt so he can change out of the one with the snotty sleeves. They finish the semester in Iowa, where Dad disappears for a week.

__

By end of July they’re in a tiny town in Nebraska and it’s hot, so very, very hot. Dean tried asking around for work, because some of the Mexican children at the motel they were at work at a farm sometimes and there are farmers who will hire children for next to nothing, but the crops have dried and there’s little for him to pick.

Sam, who’s now a slim six-year-old, doesn’t like the heat much. Dean takes him to shaded parks and sets up cans so they can shoot rocks at them with slingshots. Someone at the motel lends them a bike for a day or two here and there, and he teaches Sam to bike. They sit by the air con until it breaks and when the motel manager refuses to leave his own air conditioner to come look at theirs, Dean screws it apart with the screwdriver he nicked from the manager’s kit, and does his best to fix it. It takes a little while, but he figures it out. Then he shows Sammy, just in case it happens again and Dean’s not there.

Dad drags him out on four salt and burns in the area and then it’s almost September and they pack up. At least they’re going to a wrestling match on the way to… wherever. Dean’s tired. He doesn’t care.

__

Winter in Minnesota sucks and it hasn’t started for real yet. It’s end of October and dragging Sam out of bed is difficult. Dean and Dad fought over this, but Dean just refuses to leave Sam to get himself ready in the morning before school. So, Dean will come with dad only if they can be back before dawn. Sometimes, he’s just managed to shower off the dirt, dust and cobwebs before it’s time to get Sam out of bed. Second grade suits Sam even better than first, he returns home with ever thicker books and long monologues about Indians ( _Native Americans_ , Dean!) and the Mayflower, or whatever.

Dean’s head throbs more often than not and he does his best to stay awake through most of his own classes, but sometimes he just can’t. His truancy report looks like a hurricane hit it and his teachers try to reach his Dad, which never works. They just… sort of give up on him. It’s okay. He’s given up on them too. There are more important things in the world, after all, and his job isn’t to get good grades. It’s to take care of Sammy, and he’s doing that.

__

Sammy’s really old enough to get that their Christmases aren’t like other people’s Christmases, so despite the drafty cold motel room, Dean tries. They draw Santa and string popcorn above Sam’s cot, and Dean hides two cans of coke for Christmas Day. He even manages to save enough money for chicken fingers and fries from the diner. Sam is still upset though, because there aren’t cookies and milk for Santa. Santa doesn’t come with presents either, just one present from Dean. Dean tells him Santa probably just forgot, but Sam cries and eventually Dean has to lock himself in the bathroom and scream into a towel.

Dad doesn’t show up at all.

__

**1990**

__

They stay one night at Bobby’s and Bobby slips Dean a fifty for his 11th birthday. Dean doesn’t tell Dad, and puts it in his money sock. Then they drive to Rawlins, Wyoming, for two weeks before Dad leaves them with an apartment in Hutchinson, Kansas. They stay there for months, Dad comes and goes irregularly, but he’s never gone for more than ten days. He misses Sammy’s seventh birthday.

Sam has questions, so many questions. Dean tells Sam that Dad’s a travelling salesman, that Mom died in a fire, that Mom was blonde and liked Hey Jude. Sometimes he’ll sing Hey Jude under his breath when Sammy has nightmares. They never talk about it. Other times he just tells Sam to shut up, because he can’t deal with remembering.

Dad eventually takes them east over the summer, first to Virginia where they spend a few weeks and actually have fun. Dad takes them to a fair and some wrestling, and these are happy days with summer sun and bleached grass. Dad watches as Dean teaches Sam to shoot bottles in an empty field. Sam does okay, but he doesn’t much like the sound or recoil of the handgun.

They leave Sam in a motel for a weekend and Dean plays bait for a nest of vamps. Dad beheads all of them, except the last one. He hands Dean the enormous knife and Dean does his best. The vampire makes it easy, baring it’s fangs and struggling and he doesn’t have to think that this thing looks human. It still takes a few swings, because chopping a head off a body is much harder than it looks.

Dad leaves them in Delaware, where he heads out to look for a Wendigo. Sam goes to school and Dean tries to as well, but Dad didn’t leave quite enough money. He uses the remaining thirty from the fifty Bobby gave him and nicks a loaf of bread from the supermarket, but eventually there’s only Spaghetti-O’s, carrots and off-brand-cereal left. He lets Sam eat and thanks some unknown deity for cheap freaking school lunches. It’s a Thursday when the food runs out and Sam has his last meal in school on Friday.

Dad’s been out for two weeks now, which isn’t typical, and the motel manager is glaring hard at Dean, because the room needs to be paid on Monday at noon. He manages to steal soda and apples for Sam, and then a motel neighbour gives them two boxes of Mac ‘n’ Cheese on Saturday, so Dean has one meal and saves the rest for Sam. He hasn’t eaten much over the last week, but he can do two days on an empty stomach and Dad _has_ to come back on Monday. Has to. He tells Sam that everything is _fine_.

Dad does come back on Monday, he basically falls in the door at three am. Dean starts in his bed, nearly falling off, but quickly fetches washcloths and bandages and Tylenol, because Dad’s arm’s burnt and there’s a gash on his ankle. They wash the burn gently and Dad bandages it while Dean checks on the gash. Dad pours himself two fingers of whiskey and then another two and another. In the morning Sam’s so happy to see Dad that he doesn’t even ask about the bandages. Dad doesn’t notice that Sam has half a cup of cereal in water for breakfast and Dean doesn’t eat, but they go out for lunch and that bacon cheeseburger with extra everything is the best freaking thing that Dean has ever eaten. Ever. He’ll remember that burger forever. He eats slowly, eyes closed and head tilted back, listening to Sammy tell Dad everything about school.

__

They’re in Oklahoma, somewhere near the Texas border, for Thanksgiving. Maybe Dean shouldn’t have watched _It_ with Sammy in November though, because now Dean’s stuck checking wardrobes and under the bed before Sammy will sleep. Goddamn clowns.

They are in San Antonio for Christmas and Safford, Arizona, by New Year's Eve.


End file.
